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Stop Doing That

Is any False Alarm really ever false? I mean, it was still brought to your attention, so that makes it a real alarm. It was just a crappy alarm. For instance, 'Wait, what? My house is on fire? Oh, wrong house. Ok. Crappy alarm.'

On a recent airplane ride I sat in the row in front of the toilets. Why isn't this seat cheaper? Gotta pay for more leg room, why not pay less for more in-flight doodoo stench?

I always enjoy laughing at another's expense. It's one of the best ways to laugh. It's not costing you a thing, you're laughing at their misfortune, and you're going to get a fro-yo later, life is neat.

Sometimes when the weather is extremely irritating, too hot, too cold, too rainy, too sleety, we find ourselves unable to talk about anything else but that. And that's always pissed me the hell off. Yes, I know the weather is extreme, can we please just get back to talking about the new intern's backside? I mean, we're at work, fer cryssakes, get with it.

My favorite color is blue, but only because of the way it lulls my eyes to sleep. Listening to idiots talk politics does the same, but there's no way that'll ever be my favorite.

Went to a new restaurant the other night. I needed a Diet Peps, immediately, right away, so I barked this to the waitress and she gave me the 'don't be that guy' eyes. So I returned her eyes with the 'yes, I'm that guy, are you free Monday' eyes. She returned my eyes with 'I am free Monday, but Sunday I work late so can we make it Tuesday?' eyes. I threw down my napkin in a tiff and stormed out of the restaurant. Whatta bitch.

These little green cars, the ones with the great gas mileage, they really piss me off. Ya know why? Cause their names are always so much cooler than the cars I drive. I drove an Expedition. Yawn. These things are called the Hybrid. Fusion. Sounds so exotic and interracial.

If at first you don't succeed, try try again. And if you fail that last time you need to go sit your ass on the bench cause you just struck out.