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Life is Super Mario Bros.

I got to thinking about 'LIFE' today. Ya know, 'LIFE' as we know it. What we all do, day in and day out. Our journeys. Struggles. Victories. Joys. Failures. Loves. Our lives.

And it all finally clicked. Life and the famous 1985 Nintendo game 'Super Mario Bros.' are one and the same. The similarities are shocking. I'll explain.

To begin the Super Mario Bros. game, you're asked to choose either 'One Player' or 'Two Player.' Interesting. I've played quite a few times with a second player, but as of right now, I'm on single player mode. Life is about choices, and Mario presents you with a rather important one right there at the beginning. Who'd have thought that 25 years later some punk named Zuckerburg can make 'relationship status' on his little website thingie and be called a genius. Mario was the fuckin' genius. He asked us first.

--The Original Relationship Status--Shirt designs on the way.

So, ya pick one or two peeps and then you're on your tiny little way. I say tiny because you start off miniature in Mario Bros. Almost as if child from womb.

But watch out! Right off the bat, there's a baddie coming at you, a Goomba. Goombas are hurdles in your life. Not major hurdles, mind you, but slight unimportant snags. You can either choose to ignore the Goomba by jumping over it, or you can squash the shit out of them by stomping on their dumb face/bodies. But even if you squash that problem right then, there will be a hundred more later on, so be prepared. I like to ignore the small ones, hurdle them, just get by them, and save up my energy for the big ones later on.



Then you keep on chugging along and you come to a block with a question mark on it. Of course you have to smash it with your face. No option. Whenever there's a question in life, we need an answer. People's thirst for knowledge is only trumped by our thirst for reality TV. Sad fact, peeps.

Ok, you smash the question block and out pops a mushroom that glides along the ground. That's normal. You have to eat this before it slides off the screen or into a hole. Of course. Well, ya know what happens when ya eat it? You get larger. This mushroom is a compliment from a pretty girl or boy, co-worker or relative, stranger or neighbor. That mushroom was bait, tempting you to accept it, take it, and you did, and therefore you got a big head. Shame on you. Never take anything personally, the good or the bad.

So after a few Goomba avoidances and a couple mushrooms to the mouth, you start feelin invincible, don't you? Star power. Huzzah, run around and do whatever you want! You're a star, flash your stuff, demand a decaf frap! You're untouchable, above the law. But beware. It'll wear off sooner than you think, so don't burn through too many bridges, you pompous Italian plumber.



And then there's the constant desire to beat levels. Complete the stage. Progress. Always progress. Ever since we were kids, we've been taught to constantly level-up and progress in life. Mario and Luigi started this. You can't just hang out underneath the question mark block and have an 8-bit smoothie, can you? No. You're on a mission. Always something to do, some hurdle to jump. Hurry, hurry, hurry, don't you dare make the Princess wait. Hmmm. Reminds me of dates I've been on. Coincidence? Pfff. There are no coincidences.

Do you have an angry beotch of a boss? That's Bowser. He's even called a 'Boss' fer cryssakes! It's not like Bowser's called a 'Chief,' or a 'Manager'. He's called a 'Boss.' The inventor of Mario, Mr. Shigeru Miyamoto, doesn't even bother trying to cover up this correlation. But don't worry, Bowser bosses only attack in formulated, repetitive patterns. Watch them. Study them. And when their soft, fat underbelly is exposed, you must destroy them. It might take a few attempts, but stay the course. Works for Mario, it will work for you.



Clearly those green tubes and the underground area they bring you to is 'depression.' Happy music from the normal world changes to a sinister sounding haunted riff, the colors of the walls and floor change to a cool blue. You don't HAVE to go down the green tube, but sometimes it's necessary to make the above ground fun stuff that much more enjoyable. The 'good' becomes 'great' when you've experienced the 'awful.' And listening to that six note riff down in the underground world is exactly that.



I'm telling you truths here, people. There's even an angry ball on a chain in Mario Bros. that constantly tries to knock you down to size. What could that be? I've never figured that one out. Nudge, wink, nudge.

I could go on all day but I've got my game on pause and I don't want it to burn itself into my TV.

And henceforth from this day on, I'd like to officially petition to change 'Super Mario Bros.' name to 'LIFE.'

Oh yea, and let's change that crummy board game 'LIFE's' name to 'NOT A FUN GAME' cause who really wants to inch along a tiny plastic car full of pegs on a poorly illustrated piece of foldout cardboard. I don't want to talk about mortgages in reality, why would I want to in a board game. Hell, why would I wanna play a board game.

I'd rather go complete a stage. At least I'd be progressing.