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Not Starring 'Common Sense'

In movies, when there's an injured dude on the ground reaching for a gun mere inches from his outstretched, bloody fingers and then another dude comes up and skootches the gun a couple lousy centimeters away with his boot, I mean, I've got a problem with that scenario.

He needs to really kick that thing, right? Kick the damn gun across the room. It's the difference between getting shot in the back or leaving with the prize and ending the movie on a happy note.

Kick the gun FAR AWAY. Or, hell, howsabout ya pick up the injured dude's gun. Take it with you. That way, he can't suddenly get up from the bullet shot to the face he suffered mere seconds earlier, grab the gun you skooched a lousy centimeter away, and pop your dumbass 18 times in the back and ass when the pistol only holds 2 bullets. Pick up the guy's gun. That ever cross anyone's mind? Course not. That would be common sense, and 80% of movies would be 3 minutes long if common sense existed inside of their wonderfully ridiculous worlds.

Take 'Terminator 2'. A true classic, right? Of course, no arguments there. But think about it. 'Oh, crazy liquid-metal mean guy that kills dogs and humans alike by turning into the Silver Surfer and stabbing them through their eyes and faces, hello, you want to kill this little punk with the shitty attitude and dumb haircut? Go ahead. We want to also. Let Arnold tell him 'Hasta la Vista, baby' and we'll call it a wrap.'

Or howsabout the comedy 'Old School.' If common sense existed in that movie (and thank God it didn't, or else we'd have been deprived some of the more brilliant comedic moments in cinema history) it would have ended when the naked people jumped out of Mitch's girlfriends closet right there in the beginning. The movie was based around that sole event happening, triggering a negative response in Mitch, making him realize his girlfriend was indeed a skank, him moving out, moving into a house which later turned into the fellas' frat house thanks to a slender Vincent 'Earmuff it' Vaughan. That event was the trigger action for the entire flick.

But what does common sense tells us if that situation happens to us in real life? Blind-folded, naked people popping out of your girlfriend Juliette Lewis's closet? Answer: GO WITH IT! Duh, your girlfriend is already Juliette Lewis, who is a real skanker ho-bag who apparently smokes in the damn kitchen, ya may as well have some fun with her and a couple nudes that popped outta her closet! That's just common sense! Live a little! Don't get all poo-pooey and whine and say 'woe is me.' You're already at rock bottom living with a smoking in the kitchen Juliette Lewis. This could be the high point of the relationship, these two nudes popping out of the closet with blindfolds on.

But in order to have 'Frank the Tank' later shoot himself in the neck with the tranq gun, which the entire movie was clearly written for, they needed to have Mitch feign anger at Juliette Lewis being herself. A bonafide floosey bagoosey. I'm sure that same sitch* happens to her in real life all the time and I'm sure her boyfriends all love her for it.

Ya get my point. Movies are movies. It's an escape. They're meant to be outlandish and silly, make us laugh, cry, feel. Just entertain us, baby. It's a movie, it's not real. And common sense, for the most part, is anything but entertaining. It's sometimes downright boring and borderline monotonous. Oh, I need milk for the cereal in the morning? Let me go out and get that right away, post haste. Snooze fest. Look both ways before I cross the street? Yawn. Don't play with fire while not running by the pool and not talking to strangers? Wake me up, before ya go-go.

I'd rather see ol' Frank the Tank go streaking through the Quad and into the Gymnasium, personally. Let's see Arnold zoom through a canal on a Fatboy, shooting fences with a shotgun, walking into bars with the song 'Bad to the Bone' playing on the juke.

And after a good night out of tomfoolery and shenannigans, the same thing will always cross my mind. Never fail. From here till eternity.

Honey, you think KFC's still open?

--And just for fun, here are some other flicks that woulda been pretty short had 'Common Sense' had a starring role.

ET- Just turn him in already, that light on his finger is getting super annoying.

Field of Dreams- Ignore the voices. It's easy, I do.

Rambo- To all the Viatnamese soldiers: just shoot each other with arrows and save Rambo the trip.

The Lion King- Keep singing Elton John with the farting warthog and the skinny rat. Forget that Scar dude, he's got issues.

Home Alone- Good riddance, leave the kid, he'll be making enough residuals from this flick to live off for the rest of his life, he'll be fine.


*sitch = situation. And not the Jersey Shore kind.
Justin Claus HarderComment