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Take your Vites

I took 15,000 MG of Vitamin C today. 6 packs of Emergen-C. 4 of those megaman pills. Two of some clear gel pill. And I still coughed. And even hacked up a brown thing.
How is that possible? I do what they say! They say rest, I rest. Take vites, I take vites. Drink liquid, I drink liquid. It doesn't matter. You will cough at some point in December. You will also blow your nose.
Just the other day a light, chill breeze brushed my face. Brushed it. Carressed it, more like. And ya know what happened? My lips cracked and bled immediately. Yep, in like, 4 places. Chapped, bleedign lips from one light chill breeze. Heaven forbid.
What did the folks from yester-year do? Nevermind not brushing the teeth, no deodorant or contacts, no Tiger Woods sexxy-time news on TV, but what about chapped lips? I bet they rubbed some exotic plant on them. Like some poison ivy or something equally harmless. One swab and your on your merry way, back to getting gangrene.
I am just clueless when it comes to medicine, though. I stick with the name brand one that says 'extra strength.' Doesn't matter what it is. I never buy the 'Walgreen's' version. Never. Two dollars cheaper? Who cares, I say. This is MY LIFE. And MY LIFE is worth more than 2 dollars. I'll go find two dollars in pennies in my couch and buy some more name brand shit with it.
Same goes with any type of coke products. I don't do Dr. Thunder. Love the name, hate the drink. It's 15 cents for 3 liters. How can it be drinkable? I think it's the syrupy excess taken from a drain outside the Dr. Pepper factory. Scraped into some metal cans like grease from the stove and then poured into the Thunder action.
And I love when ya think you're getting a deal on anything in life. 'Whoa, no WAY. This scarf is only 20 bucks marked down from 75? OMG!!! I gotta get it. Whatta deal.'
It took a Malayasian child less than a minute to hand sew that thing and slap an Armani label on it! Anybody can just mark things up and then mark them down. It's the oldest trick in the book. Unsure what to price that beat-up copy of 'The Giving Tree' in next month's garage sale? Mark it at 30 bucks then put a line through it and put 20 bucks underneath it. Someone will go bonkers.
The idiot won't even realize that they can go buy a brand new one for 15. The sale's BLIND you.
Look at what they do to people on Black Friday. It's the scene from 'Dawn of the Dead' at every mall in America. Flocking to the Sale. The Sale cries to them in their sleep. Haunting their dreams. They shoot up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, yelling 'SALE!'
Not me, though. I like to blow my income. You know who can blow some serious money? Nicholas Cage. Dude bought a $276,000 dinosaur skull. I mean, that's pretty awesome. He probably puts it on and dances around his foreclosed masion in it.
I've really gone off tonight.
Thanks for reading and for heaven's sake get some chapstick.
Justin Claus Harder1 Comment