CLAUS

BLOG

How to Catch a D-Bag

We've all seen the hit show on ABC/CBS/NBC called 'How to Catch a Predator.' It's a sickening romp into suburban America, is it not? Here's something: if Chris Hansen ever pops out of your bathroom wearing a suit and holding a mic, you're done. Don't run. Don't hide your face. It's over. Take the few remaining minutes you have and say bye to your old life. Your old life of stalking children and being a vile human being.
But this show is so much fun to watch that I wanna branch off with a new concept. And it'd be perfect for the city I live in, which is Dallas, TX.
The name of the show will be 'How to Catch a D-Bag.' Hey, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. As you probably guessed, this show is aimed at helping ladies tell early on if their date is a D-Bag.
Scenario 01: Guy and girl. First Date on a patio. The misters are blowing. The sparks are flying. Check comes. Guy takes a peek. He looks up. Cutesy smiles. Girl smiles back and holds his gaze. New love flutters. Guy reaches into his back pocket. Smile turns to confusion. Eyebrows furrow. Hand frantically juts to his front pocket. He looks at the girl. Girl is confused now, too.
Guy says 'Geez. I musta forgotten my wallet in the C-Series. Can you get this one?'
At this exact moment, Chris Hansen emerges from underneath the table, mic in hand. The camera-crew jumps down from a nearby tree.
'Sir, please stand up.'
The guy nervously shifts in his chair. Eyes dart. Pregnant beads of sweat on forehead.
'Sir,' reminds Hansen.
The guy gets up and Hansen's hand bolts to the guy's back pocket and whips out a wallet.
'I believe you were looking for THIS.'
The guy looks at the wallet. Looks at the girl. The girl's eyes well up with tears and she covers her face.
'You sir, are a d-bag. The ol' 'I don't have my wallet routine' on the first date. Class-act, pal. Is there anything you'd like to say?'
The guy shakes his head. Humiliation. He then darts off and some cops tackle his ass in the street. Hansen keeps the wallet, sits down with the girl and helps himself to a bit of cheesecake.

I'm telling you, this show will be huge. Imagine the scenarios.
Guy buys an Affliction shirt. BOOM. Hansen drops from the ceiling.
Guy orders off the Fresco Menu at T-Bell. BANG. Hansen slides in the passenger side door.
Guy tells girl he's 'clean as a whistle.' WHAMM. Hansen blasts him with a fire hose.
Guy pops his collar. Hansen pops him in the face.

This might have just gotten awesome.